Here's what I've been thinking about lately: Do people ever really change?

Blame it on my mother; she visited a few weeks ago, and we got to having one of our talks about life and people and all that. I've heard my mother say this before, "People don't ever really change." And as always, we go back and forth on the topic.

She says that even though people change things about themselves, change their circumstances, their basic nature remains the same. I struggle with this; if the essence of who we are is immutable, what's the point of all the self-improvement schtick out there? That's nearly a rhetorical question. LOL Clearly, it's out there because people have the desire to examine themselves, to change themselves.

But no matter how much Iyanla Vanzant you read, are you simply changing the window dressing?

I guess I'd like to believe that people really can transform themselves; it's a really depressing prospect to think that if you are a self-centered asshole, that you will always be that. And we've all known someone who's made some kind of dramatic change within themselves, right? Right?

However, I do know people that, despite living in different places, in different circumstances, with different hairdos, are pretty much the same people. Rather, I can see pieces of the "old" them peeking out. I've known someone for about seven or eight years, and although I'm sure she would say that she's a different person now, I still see evidence of the obsessive personality that I used to know. But if I tried to explain this to her, she would not see it. She would no doubt point to all the various places she's been, the things she's done, the weight she's lost, the way she found God, whatever - and insist that all these things add up to a new and improved her. The last time we saw each other, I almost bought it, until about an hour into our visit and the "old" her started oozing out.

And so I wonder, are we just fooling ourselves to think that we can become something else just by sheer force of will, or by moving to a different city, or by changing our names, or by dating a particular person over another?

I'm sure the truth, as usual, lies somewhere in the middle ground. At this point, I do believe that we can change, but that real change happens over a long period of time, perhaps even a lifetime. I think it takes years to really change who we are, to unlearn patterns of behavior and acquaint ourselves with new ways of being. It takes longer than six months to root out the self-centered asshole, even if we are in situations where we think the self-centered asshole is dampened or repressed. Just because we think a situation does not call for a particular characteristic doesn't mean the characteristic isn't still there, manifesting itself in a different situation. Folks can't see past their immediate situation sometimes. Just because you're lovey-dovey at home, doesn't mean the beast can't come out at work.

Here's an analogous situation. I've been thinking about letting my hair go natural for years. Having grown my perm out before, I know this is a lengthy process. It would take me a year or so to grow all of the perm out of my hair, and then I'd have to cut it, followed by whatever natural style I was going to implement. This is not something that happens overnight.

So if changing my hair takes a year or more, wouldn't I be stupid to think that changing something as esoteric as the essence of my being could be accomplished in the same amount of time or less?

I'm hoping that people will start to get the hint that the inner essence is always going to be there, no matter how much is on the outside.

Very, very well said.

Change is not permanent, nor is it fixed. It is a constant, flowing process. I think that your friend may have changed, but because that process is neverending, that might be why you saw pieces of the "old" her coming through. Once a person begins to transform themselves, I think it is an error to think that the process ends. That's when people begin to backslide, and that's when other's expectations of them begin to clash (?) or interfere with (?) the process.

I also don't think that people undergo these transformations just to change their essential core. Take me, for example: when I decided to lose weight, it wasn't because I wanted to be a radically different Cecily, it was because I wanted to... uncover a new dimension to myself and my personality. Yes, it was window-dressing, but the window dressing isn't trivial, particularly when it is what people twig onto at first encounter.

BTW - you could always let your hair grow out for about six weeks and then cut it all off. You'll find that when there is only one texture on yo' head, that the hair will grow much faster.

Good points, Cecily. *pausing to try to find some substantive response* OK, so nothing particularly moving is coming to mind. I'm glad, though, that you brought up things that I didn't address. :)

I hope I wasn't being all obtuse and esoteric. I think I need to go watch ANTM and come back down to earth. :D

Are you addicted to ANTM like I am? :) No, you didn't get obtuse and esoteric. But if you did, that's fine, too. You always bring fresh perspectives to the mix.

Hi Fellow Capricorn (just noticed that). I believe that although people try to change for a variety of reasons, I do not think that the CORE of what makes a person who they are changes - although we may grow and learn that certain things about ourselves may not be as beneficial to our lives as we would want them to be, and can have detrimental effects on relationships, goals, etc. I think that we constantly learn about ourselves and if a person appreciates learning and "growing" and notices that certain behaviors, habits, thoughts, attitudes, etc. could be destructive, then of course they will try to address those issues as much as possible. However, to truly CHANGE who you are at the core to me, is not possible. I think we LEARN how to NOT OFFEND or how to do things differently to get a more desired affect - but don't really change. Personally, I am a control freak. I have issues with being OUT OF CONTROL, and can be very stubborn about it. Learning from various challenging situations where I had to bring others into my REALM, I know that some situations warrant me to surrender my need to be in control. However, I also know that, at my core, I am still very concerned about being in control but I also know that in order to benefit my situation, I have to keep my issue in check.

EJ couldn't have said it any better!

Nice one, Anitra.

excellent points that were very well put.